Dear Lost from Loss,
Today I will tell you my story. I am not just a number, a statistic, or sad tragedy. I am a mother. A mother to an angel baby. So are you.
On the night of May 30, 2018 I had been having terrible cramping on and off, which I later found out were not just cramps at all but contractions. They became stronger and stronger as the night went on. Nothing I did or didn’t do made them ease up. I knew something wasn’t right. I knew in my heart it was my baby.
I called my husband, Austin, at work to come home and take me to the OB ED. Thankfully, my best friend, Kate was able to rush right over and sit with our sleeping girls for the night.
We arrived at the hospital and at this point it was hard to walk. I made it to a room. A sweet nurse began getting my vitals. She found the baby’s heartbeat. Great…. right? No.
My Water Broke at 15 Weeks Pregnancy
As soon as the nurse left the room I felt my water break. I was almost 15 weeks along. I thought I was in the safe zone? How was this happening? This was so early. Why was my body doing this? I hoped so badly I was wrong, but I began to prepare myself then for what was to come. Austin wouldn’t listen to me and was still hopeful.
The doctor came in with a smile on his face saying, “They found a fetal heartbeat that’s great.” I quickly told him that I thought my water had broke and his face quickly changed. He began to exam me. The first words to come out of the doctors mouth were what would bring me here. Writing this. “Hunny you are miscarrying.” I was in shock. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t even breathe. My husband was breaking down, he didn’t want to believe. I tried to stay strong. I could stop sobbing and screaming. Austin got to see our sweet, Layton Lea Reich. Our baby, our child. That’s heart was JUST beating not even 10 minutes before. We heard it. How can he be so lifeless now? I was supposed to protect my baby, my BODY was supposed to. I had so many emotions going through my body. I don’t think I would have managed to get through that frozen moment in time without my husband, the amazing two nurses, the sweet surgical technician, and above all God.
I Was Taken to Surgery
I was taken to surgery because they couldn’t get my bleeding to stop naturally or the placenta to come out. I was numb. You know the feeling where you just sit there not able to move or understand your own thoughts and feelings. Your throat hurts because you need to scream and cry, but it’s just stuck. That’s where I was. Lost.
I woke up from surgery surrounded by my parents, sister, husband, Mother in Law, and Father in Law. Their love for me poured out and it was so special to me. Later on in the day my sweet friend, Christie, visited me in the hospital and helped me feel comfortable, as she is a postpartum nurse. I am so thankful for their love and guidance then and now.
Don't Let Anyone Tell You How to Grieve
What I didn’t know was the days to come would be harder and harder. Just a lot of mixed emotions. You start to feel again. You feel every little thing in a way you never thought you would. Nothing can prepare you for the feeling of losing your baby. My Aunt Alena and Uncle Bud let my husband and I feel more comfortable with all our emotions. They are the parents of Carter, an angel baby also. They shared with us great advice, that I want to share with anyone else who is going through this or have gone through this. FEEL ALL THE EMOTIONS AND DO NOT WORRY WHAT OTHERS THINK. Everyone grieves differently so don’t let someone tell you how to grieve.
Austin and I are so fortunate to have a big, loving family. Our parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends that have turned into family all made us feel surrounded by love.
To anyone out there needing this today. You are not a statistic. You are a MOTHER or FATHER. You are STRONG. Don’t ever feel ASHAMED OF YOUR FEELINGS. They are YOURS. ❤️