6 Things NOT to Say to Someone Struggling With Infertility

5 Things Not to Say to Someone Struggling With Infertility_blog_dearbub.com

Struggling with possible infertility and hoping to get pregnant is just that – a struggle.

I’ve been trying to get pregnant for almost two years now, and have endured miscarriage as well as multiple surgeries due to endometriosis in my longing for a baby. Being off the pill seems to have given my endometriosis ‘new life’ in a bad way. After having seen numerous specialists and being reminded that I’m also getting older at 37 years of age, there is a chance that I might not be able to have children.

I don’t have any friends or family who have been (or are) in my position, so it feels like a lonely experience a lot of the time. Sometimes people want to help and say the wrong thing, other times people seem completely ignorant of the emotional pain involved with trying to have a baby for so long. Here are 6 things I constantly hear, that I’d rather not hear at all:

#1. Don’t worry, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be

I’ve heard this one so many times and I know people are trying to help, but it really does nothing for the emotional and physical trauma I’ve endured over the last two years.  It also doesn’t just ‘happen’. People like me with endometriosis and issues with fertility have to fight for it to happen, and put our trust in doctors and surgeons to help.

#2. Just don’t think about it. When you stop thinking about it, it’ll happen

You’re kidding, right? Do you have any idea how many baby parties, christenings and other kids events I’ve been to just this month? Add to that the loss of a baby, the multiple surgeries and recovery time, and doctors telling me that having a child might not be possible. Then also add every time I get my period, or that pee stick comes up negative. So many great CONSTANT reminders of what isn’t happening for me, what I don’t have, and what I might never have. So how do I stop thinking about it, exactly?

#3. Oh these pregnancy hormones are so horrible, being pregnant is terrible

I don’t want to hear you complain about pregnancy hormones or about being pregnant. I would gladly endure nausea and pregnancy symptoms, because it would mean that I am pregnant! You are blessed to have wanted pregnancy, and for it to have happened. Hearing you complain is insensitive to what I’ve been through, and what I’m going through.

#4. You’re so lucky that you don’t have kids, you get to actually sleep – enjoy it while you can!

Gee thanks. No, that’s not a positive spin on infertility. If anything it shows insensitivity to just how emotionally hard it is for anyone going through miscarriage loss, surgeries and infertility struggles. There is a lot of sadness, pain and there definitely are sleepless nights.

#5. There’s always IVF or adoption

I know that, however these options aren’t exactly easy either. They are also both a difficult process, take time, and emotional strain, with no guarantee.

#6. Don’t worry, it’ll happen one day – I know it will!

How do you know? Are you a mind reader? I wish I knew this before, it would’ve made so many of my life decisions SOOO much easier!


This story is a REAL LETTER sent from Emma, 37 yo, Sydney, Australia. Edited by DearBub.

Sharing can be self-healing, but also help others who may be experiencing the same thing as you. Do you have a Real Letter that you would like to share? >

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2 Comments on "6 Things NOT to Say to Someone Struggling With Infertility"

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Lily
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Lily
2 years 6 months ago

I get “If it’s meant to be, it’ll be” ALL the time. Just makes me more upset.

Josephine
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Josephine
2 years 6 months ago

Gosh this is so true. Another one I hear all the time is “You’re so lucky you don’t have kids and your body still looks great”. In reality, when you are struggling to have a baby, not looking as slim or amazing is something you are willing to sacrifice. Struggling with infertility isn’t fun.

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