I’m Afraid to Love You and Lose You

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Instead of feeling overjoyed and excited at the news of my new pregnancy, I feel scared, guarded and insecure. I wish I wasn’t so afraid.

Almost 1.5 years earlier I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks of pregnancy. At the time, as cliche as it might sound, I felt my world came crashing down around me. From the time I knew I was pregnant, I spoke to this baby, I made plans for it, I had dreams for it. Most of all, I loved this baby as though I had known it my whole life.

Losing the baby broke my heart more than any other man or friend had throughout my life.

Losing the baby broke my heart more than any other man or friend had throughout my life.

As well as having to nurture a broken heart, I also had to survive the trauma of event itself as well as the trauma that was to follow.

I suffered through an extremely painful placental abruption and natural miscarriage. No one ever tell you how horrid this is. Going through labour pains only to give birth and see the lifeless small body of the baby you loved with all your heart. I didn’t even know that could happen. Why doesn’t anyone talk about this?

Following this, I suffered through 9 months of extremely painful ovulation, otherwise known as mittelschmerz. This pain was to me just a cruel reminder of my loss. This pain was debilitating, lasting anywhere from 3 days to almost 2 weeks until I saw my period. I was advised that it was just my body regulating after the miscarriage. Ultrasounds didn’t show anything sinister. I tried everything from natural therapies to pain medication… but the pain persisted and got worse.

Without boring you with the details, 6 months in and out of hospital and two laparoscopic surgeries later and I was doing a whole lot better.

My work life became non existent. My social life had disappeared. My sanity was on edge.

I should have been over the moon when I feel pregnant again. Instead I’ve been petrified; not just of losing this new baby again, but also at the thought of possibly having to go through this whole ordeal again.

I’ve panicked. I’ve become overprotective. I’ve been scared to feel excited. I’ve been afraid to love this new baby growing inside me too much. I don’t want to feel that heartbreak and pain again. Could I cope?

I’ve been afraid to love this new baby growing inside me too much. I don’t want to feel that heartbreak and pain again. Could I cope?

If i had to write a little letter to my baby today, this is what I’d say…

Dear Bub,

I’m afraid to love you….because I didn’t know I’d be so afraid to lose you.

Yet here you are, creeping into my heart.

I really hope I get to meet you one day.

Love from Mum.


This story is a REAL LETTER sent from Helen, 36 yo, Sydney, Australia. Edited by Dear Bub.

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